Don't you just love being verbally abused?

I know I do!

But really, regardless of what everyone thinks, oppression via language is virtually nonexistent. It's urban myth that a person would ever drop a word like "skank" and send a 15-year-old bawling for the nearest bathroom stall. Why, I can't remember the last time I heard about a Christian fanatic feeling morally butchered after watching the countless Jesus jokes on Family Guy. It's just preposterous to assume that anyone has ever made an innocent joke and rubbed someone else the wrong way. It just doesn't happen.

Let's face it, subjectivism tends to be the downfall of language itself. Unless you're feeding everyone on earth an all-you-can-eat compliment buffet, there will always be one person who believes that your intentions are pure as the yellow-driven snow. We all KNOW that when you made the "Your mama's so fat..." joke, you were aiming for Eileen and that damned metabolism of hers. It's as unavoidable as the food samples at Costco.

Take for instance, a friend of mine that we'll call "Fredrick", who found himself in a situation quite similar. You see, Fredrick has a tendency to create wildly bizarre little characters to scare everyone. His most recent is called "The Veloci-rape-tor". The Veloci-rape-tor consisted of Fredrick assuming the raptor position, followed by an all-too creepy stare. Up until recently, he had no problem using this new character as a sort of party trick to humor all the ladies. That is, until he came across a lady less-than-humored (we'll call her "Veronica"). You can probably guess by the way this is going that Veronica had a horrific rape experience a few years back. She found the very use of the word "Veloci-rape-tor" bringing back awful memories for her, and was, you could say, VERBALLY OPPRESSED. Poor Fredrick had absolutely no idea that he would inflict such pain on her by making a simple joke. Being able to speak the English language screwed up any chance he ever had with Veronica. Tough.

I'm sorry to be the blogger to break it to the world that having the intelligence to speak a language comes with a few side effects. This intelligence is somewhat of a curse in the sense that we analyze every tone and word till we find some kind of oppressive material to work with. This is called being a drama queen, and the human race seems to have mastered it. However, we have one glorious exception: teenage girls stay stronger than ever in their attempt to NOT be dramatic and abuse subjectivism.

Next to lifting weights and watching football, using language as a weapon is something women seem to have a knack for. There seems to be some kind of elaborate design behind making someone look like an idiot without directly being snide. I find it strangely ironic that bitter enemies will say things like "Dear, that dress looks positively FAB on you!", while secretly indicating that she looks like a cheap Las Vegas hooker in that dress. Jealous girls are perfect examples of lean mean verbal-abusing machines. Say Lauren has loved Dave for quite some time, but he happens to like her best friend, Rachel. Rachel confides in Lauren that she, too, has feelings for Dave. Lauren, being devastated, decides to get revenge on Rachel and foil any happiness she might be capable of. She tells Rachel that Dave flirts around with everyone and doesn't want any commitment. Rachel finds herself doubting her chances for a relationship and gives up on Dave altogether, while Dave wonders why Rachel stopped being so nice all of a sudden. The misuse of language strikes again, and Lauren feels a little bit better that Rachel thinks she is in Lauren's same position.

Throughout my life, I never had that many girlfriends. I wonder why.

Speaking of lack-of-girlfriends, I had a guy-friend in high school who had a very interesting way of handling the English language, at least when conversing with me. We would always use words like "Skank" and "Slut" towards each other, and quite frequently. You could say we used hate language as a way to express how comfortable we felt talking to each other. Neither of us spoke to anyone else in the same manner, and that brought us closer as friends, as well. Again, a passerby overheard us calling each other crude and vulgar names, and was rather offended. They were shocked that a boy was openly calling a girl a "fat piece of lard". Subjectivism at its finest; anyone else would have taken the words as offense, yet I took them as a sign that our friendship was as strong as ever.

You've now come to terms with how great the English language can be. Doesn't it feel good to know that you have the intellect to verbally destroy your friends and enemies?